1 Sarah
Hello,
everyone.
My
name is Sarah Raup
and
on behalf of Valencia County's community theater group "The Mansion
Players"
I
want to welcome all of you to our latest edition of "Roundhouse
Rock".
1 Sarah
This
is our musical comedy sketch show
in
which we use song parodies to
comment
on current events and people in the news in Valencia County and the State of
New Mexico,
as
well as both national and international personalities and news stories.
The
songs you hear tonight will include some of the highlights, and lowlights, of
the pandemic years.
along
with songs about some more recent events.
Peggy,
will you get us started?
2 PEGGY
The
whole population of Valencia County was overjoyed
when
we heard that thanks to the oil windfall money in the state budget,
money
for a new, second exit from I-25 into Los Lunas, has been appropriated
including
a new bridge over the Rio Grande.
2 PEGGY
Then
almost immediately, we were let down, when we heard
that
since that money had been allocated,
inflation
has increased the cost of the project,
and
now we're 75 million dollars short of the money to build it.
2 PEGGY
Still,
we've decided to take the optimistic view that the money will eventually come
from somewhere
And
somehow the project will be built
And
so we're going to focus on how great this is going to be, and how it will
reduce the terrible traffic Main Street.
We
think.
2 PEGGY
Here in Va-len-cia
we're
start-in' to cheer up
Looks like traf-fic
is
Go-in' to clear
up
And
may-be Main Street
Will come back
to life
2 PEGGY
No
long-er will it
Take us e-ons
To
drive from Wal Mart
to Di-on's
Thanks to that new ex-change
On
I twen-ty five
2 PEGGY
That new ex-it from
the I
It's sure gon-na
be a bles-sin'
Traf-fic jams
will die
And
here's what I am guess-in'
2 PEGGY
No
more wait-ing to turn
'Till your head
aches
And
you'll fin-'lly get to
make a left at Blake's.
(repeat intro notes)
2 PEGGY
Keep-in' from cuss-in'
will
take less will pow'r
Main Street won't
be
a
park-in' lot at rush hour
And
may-be it-'ll be fun a-gain to drive
2 PEGGY
Traf-fic will
in-crease its pace
(STOP MUSIC) (spoken)
It'll still jam
up
BUT
IN A BRAND NEW PLACE!
(START MUSIC)
Cause
we're get-tin' a new ex-change
On
I twen-ty five
2 PEGGY ANDY
Of
course, it's going to take some of our residents, like say Andy here, a little
while to get used to the new road.
The
other day, for example, I called his cell to warn him because I knew he was
coming back from Albuquerque on I25.
2 PEGGY ANDY
PEGGY (mime talking
on phone)
"Be
careful! I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
I25."
ANDY:
(mime talking on phone with one hand, driving with the other, and
dodging back and forth, scared look) DEMO
"Yeah,
that's right. But it's not just one car. Theres hundreds of them!"
2 ANDY HARRY
ANDY: The other day, a
cop on I25 pulled over a woman and, although she looked like a sweet little old
lady, he followed his training and started with a question for his own safety.
(Harry
in cop hat, speaks toward MARIE)
HARRY: "Ma'am, do
you have any weapons in your vehicle?"
2 MARIE HARRY
MARIE:
"Yes,
officer, I have a 22 in my glove compartment."
HARRY: "OK,
anything else?"
MARIE:
"I
have a shotgun in my trunk."
HARRY: (a little
surprised) "Is that all?"
MARIE:
"No,
there's a 357 in my purse."
HARRY: "What
are you afraid of?"
2 MARIE HARRY
MARIE:
"Not
a damn thing, young man."
HARRY: (slightly shaken,
tips hat) "Have
a nice day, ma'am."
2 ANDY
(hand
to ear like reporter)
This
just in: Traffic jam on I25 near the Los Lunas exit after a
semi-tractor/trailer overturned spilling a large load of wigs and toupees. (pause)
Traffic
is backed up for miles while police are still combing the area.
3 Cathy
Last
year, a documentary named "The Thief Collector" was filmed in New
Mexico.
The
story involves two schoolteachers from New York -- Jerry and Rita Alter
who
retired and moved to Cliff, New Mexico,
a
very tiny rural town near Silver City.
3 Cathy
The
Alters lived a quiet life there until they died in 2017.
Based
on what happened next, they are now accused of one of the biggest art thefts of
the century,
3 Cathy
in
which a painting by Villum deKooning, worth 180 million dollars,
was
taken from a very poorly-secured museum in Tucson,
and
remained missing for over thirty years.
Here's
the whole story
3 CATHY
Come and lis-sen to my sto-ry
'bout Jer-ry and his wife
Ev-er'-bo-dy thought they lived a quiet
little life.
3 CATHY
But below the surface
Of Cliff, New Mexico
They were millionaire art thieves
which just goes to show
Ya ne-ver know, do ya?
3 CATHY
So here is the sto-ry
of their big art theft
When they cut it from the frame,
there was-n't noth-in' left
3 CATHY
Worth a hun-dred mil-lion,
a real nice haul
But when they took it home,
they jus' hung it on the wall
Right be-hind a door
Where no-bo-dy could see it but their own
-selves
3 CATHY
And then they
Ne-ver tried to sell it
Did-n't care a-bout the dough
Seems they just liked
the way it looked and so.
3 CATHY
They kep' it fer their-selves
in their own bed-room
It was their own lit-tle per-son-al,
ri-vate de-Koon
-ing, that is.
twen-ti-eth cen-tu-ry
Dutch ex-pres-sion-ist
3 CATHY
For thir-ty two years till the day they
died
No one else was ev-er al-lowed in-side
Then a dea-ler made an es-tate sale stop
Took a lik-in' to the paint-in'
and bought it for his shop
Did-n't know what he had un-til . . .
3 CATHY
At the deal-er's shop,
it was re-cog-nized
And when he checked it out,
the deal-er was sur-prised
A sto-len paint-in' worth
A hun-dred mill' or more
It scared him half to death
Jus' to keep it in his store.
3 CATHY
He hid it in the on-ly room that had its
own lock. The john.
When he called up the mu-se-um,
they could-n't be-lieve
And when they got it back,
they were so re-lieved
3 CATHY
They were glad to see it, safe from harm,
And they fi-nal-ly put in . . .
a bur-glar a-larm
'Bout time, too.
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
5 Sarah
It
can be hard to select the "worst" new development during the
Pandemic, but I think I've got a very strong candidate here.
Because
last year, the taxation and revenue people realized one of their most cherished
dreams.
5 Sarah
They
found something new to tax. (pause)
They
want to tax the money that you spend on (pause)
taxes!
Here's
how it's working.
5 Sarah
As
you may know, cannabis buyers have to pay a 12% tax on their purchases,
in
addition to the sales tax which is about 8%.
5 Sarah
Well,
two years ago, the New Mexico Taxation and Revenue Department stated that
dispensaries had to first add the cannabis tax to the purchase,
and
then calculate the sales tax based on the total of both of those -- the
purchase plus the cannabis tax.
5 Sarah
So
the dispensaries were told to charge customers sales tax on the cannabis
tax.
5 Sarah
It
works out to only about a penny per dollar.
But
of course, however large or "itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie" small the
actual amounts involved may be,
that's
much less important than the principle here.
5 Sarah
Once
you start taxing a tax, where does that stop?
5 Sarah
To
discuss this, we have brought in a panel of specialists: (point to each)
a representative from the revenue
department up in Santa Fe,
a taxpayer advocate,
and an expert from the H&R Block tax
preparation firm.
5 PEGGY TED HARRY
CATHY
PEGGY:
We're ex-peri-men-ting with,
a new sales tax
It's a cle-ver i-dea be-cause
it's small
It's a new con-cept we're try-ing
And we hope you won't no-tice
at all
CATHY (to Peggy): Two three four
Tell these guys how smart you are
5 PEGGY TED HARRY
CATHY
PEGGY: It's just an it-sy bit-sy
tax that you will
Ne-ver no-tice on your bill.
But it adds up, in San-ta Fe.
It's not worth a fuss and hol-ler
Just a few cents on the dol-lar
If you dont no-tice, that makes
it O.K.
CATHY (to Ted) Eight nine ten
What's the prob-lem with this plan?
5 PEGGY TED HARRY
CATHY
TED: It is a tax up-on a-noth-er
tax
We're pil-ing tax-es up in
stack-ses.
If we don't end this
Where will it stop?
Next year, is my guess
When you pay the I. R. S.
Here's what they'll tell you at H
and R Block
5 PEGGY TED HARRY
CATHY
CATHY (pointing first to Harry, then
to audience)
Four three two
'Fraid he's got bad news for you.
5 PEGGY TED HARRY
CATHY
HARRY (to audience):
Your 10-40 now is done
And you're not get-ting a
re-fund
That's bad e-nough,
but there's some-thing else as well,
5 PEGGY TED HARRY
CATHY
HARRY
Ac-cord-ing to this di-a-gram
Be-sides what you owe Un-cle
Sam There's a tax, on your tax,
that you owe
Aunt Mi-chelle
(Sarah shows
Auntie Em poster)
5 PEGGY TED HARRY
CATHY
CATHY
Eight nine ten
Bye bye now this is the end.
7 ANDY
Otero
County, in Southeastern New Mexico.
Is
heavily Republican.
In
2020, it voted for Trump almost 2-to-1.
7 ANDY
But
the county commissioners still
Hired
a company to search for possible fraud.
7 ANDY
The
company they hired was associated with the "CyberNinjas".
That's
the group that was hired to re-count the paper ballots in Phoenix.
Remember
that?
7 ANDY
At
the same time, a group started going door to door
and
asking residents if they voted,
and
if so, who they voted for.
7 ANDY
But
even with all that, the final report found no evidence of fraud
And
perhaps that's why the County Commissioners
refused
to pay the entire amount of the original contract -- they paid less than 20%.
And
so they're now being sued.
7 ANDY
It
was such a silly mess that I, for one,
think
something supernatural may have been going on.
7 HARRY
Now the de-vil went down to
O-te-ro
Just to cause some trou-ble, son
Mak-in' folks get heat-ed
Think-in' they'd been cheat-ed
E-ven tho' their can-di-date
-- won?
7 HARRY
Then they heard a-bout the Cy-ber Nin-jas
And they thought "We hope
They can do for us
What they did for those folks
Out in Ma-ri-cope"
7 HARRY
Well, a deal was made for fif-ty
K
And the aud-it then got un-der
way
go-ing door--to--door
Ask-ing "Who'd ya vote for?"
Folks said "Bleep off.
No way!"
(fiddle)
7 HARRY
But, the Coun-ty Com-mis-sioners
gave
The au-di-tors full sup-port
That is, un-til the Nin-jas
Gave their fi-nal re-port
When they said
7 HARRY
"May-be some votes were
sto-len
But we can't con-firm
that heist
If it hap-pened, we did-n't
hear it
May-be it was a spi-rit
Might 'a been a POLL-ter-geist!"
Bwa ha ha ha!
8 TED
Let
me start by saying that I don't think there's anything funny about the
Ukrainian war.
But
we've got a song about it that we just couldn't resist because we love puns so
much. You'll see! First let me set the scene for you.
8 TED
Remember
when Putin said he didn't have any plan to invade Ukraine?
Well,
turns out he may have been telling the truth -- he didn't have a plan.
He
thought it would so easy -- just a quick "Blitz" strike and it would
all be over in a few days.
But
here we are a year later.
8 TED
Meanwhile,
Putin has developed an international reputation as a predator.
Like
a couple of weeks ago when he attended a conference in Finland.
The
Customs Officer asked him the usual questions:
8 ANDY
TED
"Name?"
"Vladimir
Putin"
"Residence?"
"Moscow,
Russia."
"Occupation?"
"No, no. Just
here for the conference."
And
now, that song I promised you.
8 TED
A
year ago spring
There
was this thing
Where
tensions flared
And
we were scared
Out
of our wits
Poootin
on the BLITZ
8 TED
We
found out Vlad
Is
one bad comrade
We
warned him each day
From
Ukraine away
To
keep his mitts
Poootin
on the BLITZ
8 TED
He
said he wanted peace,
And
tried to explain
But
that turned out to be a piece
Of
Ukraine
(For
Shame! )
8 TED
It's
still not done
Don't
know who won
But
he's gonna stay
And
so this may
Be
good as it gets
Poootin
on the BLITZ
Poootin
on the BLITZ
8 TED
Now,
I've just got to tell you this little true story.
I
was talking to my Gen Z niece about the war and I mentioned that it could turn
out to be Armageddon.
She
was not impressed.
8 CATHY
(Valley
Girl accent - rise at end of each sentence)
So,
what's the big deal?
Armageddon?
Like,
I don't even know what that means?
But,
I'm all . . . it's not like it's the end of the world or
anything?
9 PEGGY
OK,
I'm just going to come out and say what a lot of people are thinking:
"Californians
are crazy."
9 PEGGY
The
most recent example of this, of course,
is
the state mandate that no more gasoline-powered cars can be sold in California
two years from now.
9 PEGGY
Then
just weeks later the state had to instruct citizens
not
to plug in their electric vehicles during the daytime,
because
the power grid couldn't handle it.
9 PEGGY
So
a lot of Californians have "voted with their feet" in the past few
years
by
moving out of the state.
9 PEGGY
This
"California Exodus" is spreading a lot of anxiety in the rest of the
country.
These
days, the only thing that scares a New Mexican more than a Texan with skis, (pause
for laugh)
is
a Californian with a moving van.
9 PEGGY
On
a New Mex-i-co high-way,
cool
wind in my hair
Warm
smell of fri-jo-les
ris-ing
up through the air
Up
a-head in the dis-tance
A
lo-cal Ka-ren blocked the way
She
was shak-in' her head
and
wav-in' her fist
And
I thought I heard her say:
9 PEGGY
No
wel-come here, for Ca-li-for-nians
It's
a love-ly place.
Wan-na
keep it that way.
No
room here for Ca-li-for-nians
When-ev-er
you show up
Pro-per-ty
tax-es go up
9 PEGGY
No
more room for Ca-li-for-nians
Make
a u-turn y'all
With
that big U-Haul
Can't
take no more Ca-li-for-nians
Please
co-op-e-rate
Don't
make us build a wall a-round the state.
9 TED
Late
last month, another story came out of California that some people thought was
just another example of that West-Coast wackiness.
A
new law was passed that made it legal to grind up human remains (pause)
And
use them for compost. (pause)
9 TED
Environmentalists
were very enthusiastic about the new law, (pause)
And
so were the California Mafia.
11 ANDY
Recently,
a couple of communities in the county, Cypress Gardens east of Los Lunas, and
the Mid Valley Airpark on 314, have been asked by their residents to legalize
the raising of backyard chickens.
11 ANDY
Confidentially,
we've heard that quite a few of the residents of these areas are already
raising backyard chickens,
and
frankly, I applaud all those illegal chicken farmers.
(I
mean, "undocumented chicken farmers")
11 ANDY
They're
showing that good old American spirit
"Freedom from
tyranny"
"Don't tread
on me!"
"Better dead
than Rhode Island Red".
11 BRENT
I
am a backyard chicken farmer
Proud
and independent.
I
stand for Freedom of POLLtry.
It's
in the "Henth" Amendment!
Don't
try to confiscate my chicks,
Or
you will face my rooster
And
when he's done with you you will
Feel
much worse than you used-ter
11 BRENT
Chickens
give us thighs and wings
But
a doubt still lingers:
Where
does my fav'rite part come from?
Cause
chickens don't have fingers.
"Pecking
order", "Rule the roost",
"Fly
the coop" and "hit the hay".
Why
if it weren't for chick-ens
We'd
have almost no clichιs!
11 BRENT
I'm
for legalization.
'Cause
it makes no sense to me
A
law that makes "fowl" felons of
Your
neighbors in the city.
If
you deny my plea, you will
Have
problems like the dickens,
Because
when chickens are outlawed...
Only
outlaws will have chickens!
13 Sarah
Last
year, New Mexico ranked 51st in public education.
That's
right, we were below not only every single other state, but even the District
of Columbia,
which
has notoriously terrible public schools.
13 Sarah
Now
part of the reason for New Mexico's terrible last-place listing in education
Is
the constantly-changing leadership at the state level.
13 Sarah
For
years now,
New
Mexico has had a revolving door
at
the office of the Secretary of Public Education.
We've
gone through 7 heads of that department in the last 8 years --
13 Sarah
And
it just happened again in February when the current Secretary resigned after
only a year and a half in the office.
But
the secretary-before-before-last, Ryan Stewart,
was
one of the worst.
Here's
why.
13 ANDY
Dr.
Stewart was a controversial pick from the start,
because
his background and experience didn't really match our population.
He
had little experience with Latinos
and
pretty much no experience at all with Native Americans.
13 ANDY
And
of course that's mostly because he's from . . . . (pause)
Philadelphia?
In
fact, after he got the job, he didn't even bother to move to New Mexico.
He
just "worked from home" back on the East Coast for months,
13 ANDY
until
public outrage forced Michelle to make him move here.
13 ANDY
Now
of course, none of this meant that he couldn't do the job,
so
we were willing to give him a chance,
13 ANDY
but
we were pretty rattled when he blew one of his very first tasks,
which
was the simple job of ordering his business cards, which said:
Ryan Stewart, PhD
Secretary of Educa-ton
spelled
E-D-U-C-A .. T-O-N
13 ANDY
That's
right.
He
mis-spelled the word "education"
13 ANDY
Of
course it was just a typo
And
everybody makes mistakes
but
it sure doesn't build confidence
in
his ability to focus on details.
So
of course we had to sing a little song making fun of the guy, right?
13 HARRY
Dont know much a-bout spell-ing rules
That's not good for the head of schools
I'd ne-ver been to New Mex-i-co
Ne-ver seen a real Na-va-jo
But Mi-chelle had faith in me
And so now, as you can see,
I'm the "hed" of the P. E. D.
13 HARRY
Don't know New Mex-i-co
ge-og-ra-phy
Can't pro-nounce Poe -ah -JOE -ah -cue -ee
Don't know San-ta Fe or Al-bu-quer-que
But how diff'-rent from Phil-ly
Can they pos-si-bly be?
13 HARRY
But even if I can't spell
I'm the guy who was picked by Mi-chelle
And I'm sure as I can be
I can move us up to fif-ty.
In your face, D.C.!
13 HARRY
Of
course, Stewart didn't stay long,
But
he did leave us with one good story.
Cathy?
13 CATHY
In
that last song, I hope you caught that "Po-JOE-ah-cue-ee"
was
Stewart trying to pronounce "Pojoaque".
And
that's based on what happened when Stewart first visited Pojoaque.
13 CATHY
Like
almost everyone who goes there for the first time,
he
was a little baffled by the name,
so
when he stopped for lunch he asked the guy behind the counter
"Say,
how do you pronounce the name of this place, anyway?"
13 CATHY
The
teenager behind the register gave him a kind of funny look,
then
said very slowly and carefully:
"Burr
.. gurr .. King"
14 Sarah
In
April of 2020, Governor Lujan-Grisham issued a stay-at-home order.
Her
order defined essential businesses to be food sellers, hardware
stores, car repair, and cleaners.
14 Sarah
Everything
else, such as jewelry stores, was considered non-essential and
couldn't sell anything at all.
They
were supposed to just shut down.
14 Sarah
Then
Jessica Garate (GAH-rah-tay) at KRQE broke the story that the "gov"
had
called a jewelry store
and
made a purchase which was left curbside
for
someone else to pick up and bring to her.
14 Sarah
Many
people saw that incident as a violation of her own lockdown rules.
The
gov, of course, had excuses,
Though
not everyone bought them.
14 Sarah
But
now she has come up with a very clever plan
to
make her purchase completely legal.
14 Sarah
We
are very honored, here at Roundhouse Rock,
that
the gov is announcing her newest legalization plan right here live on
our stage, direct from Santa Fe.
14 Sarah
So
through a special televised hookup, we now present:
the
Governor of New Mexico, the honorable Michelle Lujan Grisham.
Santa
Fe? Come in, Santa Fe.
Live Video Feed
from Santa Fe
15 Sarah
And
now we're going to take a 15 minute break during which you can visit the cookie
table over here for a little dessert.
The
restrooms are in this building over here to your right, right inside the front
door.
INTERMISSION
and
DESSERT
16 Sarah
Of
course we all mourn the passing of Queen Elizabeth the Second.
She'd
been queen since 1952,
so
most of us can't even remember any other monarch of England.
And
she was a wonderful role model of vigorous old age.
16 Sarah
Also,
she was one of the last living people
to
have witnessed the Dallas Cowboys win a Super Bowl.
16 Sarah
And
of course many of us followed the coronation ceremony of King Charles III last
week.
So
there's been a lot of focus on the British royal family in recent months.
16 Sarah
And
with all this attention, it's not surprising
that
some are bringing up the question of the monarchy as an institution.
Is
there any reason, in modern days,
for
any country to have a royal family anymore?
16 Sarah
Supporting
the royals
costs
the British taxpayers over 200 million dollars a year,
and
some say that in return they get very little value
other
than symbolism and maybe some entertainment.
So
that got me thinking.
16 Sarah
Here
in America, we already have something that's similar to the British royalty:
It's
symbolic, but has no real functionality or responsibilities.
It
dresses up in sometimes outlandish outfits, and engages in entertaining antics.
16 Sarah
(Cathy
enters)
It's
the sports mascot.
16 Sarah
What
if Britain replaced the royal family with a mascot?
It
would be a lion, naturally.
He
could be named "Rex".
He
could perform pretty much all of the duties that are required of a British
monarch.
16 Sarah
He
could:
make
inspirational speeches (pause)
appear
in parades (pause)
christen
ships with champagne (pause)
get
caught in scandals (pause)
or
not (pause)
16 Sarah
The
monarch also signs off on new laws passed by parliament,
but
since that's a purely ceremonial function,
a
paw-print should work just fine (pause)
16 Sarah
Of
course, we'd have to change the traditional song of the monarchy.
Peggy
has this suggestion:
16 PEGGY CATHY
Through years of work and toil
We've been steadfast and loyal
And now they're spoiled
They may be elegant
But they're irrelevant
Expensive white elephants
Let's dump the royals
16 PEGGY CATHY
What I propose comes next
Is better in all respects
For British subjects
Cuter and sleeker,
He is a keeper
And so-o much chee-ee-per, (pause)
God save King Rex.
17 Sarah
Nowadays
Corona virus -- and its seemingly endless variants -- seems to be a regular
part of life.
But
at least life has returned to somewhat normal.
17 Sarah
In
fact, some people can hardly remember how bad it was a few years ago when the
Corona virus first appeared.
But
we want to take you back to those early days
17 Sarah
With
Harry singing a song that was written back then,
When
most people had never even heard of a virus named "Corona".
Didn't
know what it was.
See
if you remember what it was like,
As
you listen to "The Corona Blues" from early 2020.
17 Harry
When
I used to think Co-ro-na,
I
thought of salt and lime
But
now when I think "co-ro-na"
I
think "hy-drox-i-klo-ro-qwine"
17 Harry
This
new kind of Co-ro-na
has
ru-ined beer for me
Now
when I think Co-ro-na
I think "Can't
get no T. P."
(Remember
that?)
17 Harry
So
I start-ed shop-ping round
for
a mask and sa-ni-ti-zer
Don't
know if they really help
or
if it's just bull fer-ti-li-zer
17 Harry
This
new kind of Co-ro-na
is
the worst by far
Can't
even drown my trou-bles
Cause
they've closed down all the bars
(Take
it, Charlie!)
17 Harry
(That
was Charlie Wilson!)
The
Rolling Stones cancelled their concert
and
the way I heard the sto-ry
It
was cause they're in the el-der-ly
at
risk ca-te-go-ry
17 Harry
Now
I believe in science
But
I gotta ask
How
can I fol-low Doc-tor Fau-ci
If
he can't make up his mind a-bout masks?
17 Harry
I
can't go to a rest'-rant
and
I can't go danc-ing
I
real-ly need a hug
but
there's that "so-cial dis-tanc-ing"
17 Harry
This
new kind of Co-ro-na
has
put my so-cial life in a slump
Had
to say good-night to my girlfriend
with
a ten-der . . . fist bump
(Peggy comes out from backstage to
fist-bump with Harry)
17 Harry
I
can't go out to eat
and
I can't go to the mo-vies
I
can't go on a date
'Cause
a-ny-bo-dy might have coo-ties
17 Harry
I
used to love Co-ro-na
before
it was a dis-ease
But
now I'm gonna dump Co-ro-na
and
stick to Dos E-quis
17 Harry
Ladies
and gentlemen, that was the amazing Maestro Charlie Wilson, on guitar!
(lead
applause)
18 ANDY
At
the special budget session in June 2020,
back
before we had the lovely surplus we have today,
New
Mexico legislators were facing the need to cut the budget wherever possible.
And
of course legislators just hate cuts.
18 ANDY
In
fact, they even hate the word "cut",
So
instead they said "SAND".
Not
"sand" as in the desert, but "sand" as in
"I
had to sand off the top of the door so it would close."
18 ANDY
So,
for example, they didn't say "We're cutting 4% from teacher salaries"
but
rather "We're going to sand teacher salaries by 4%".
18 ANDY
That's
supposedly a kinder, gentler
and
maybe slightly deceptive
way
of saying "cut".
It's
like calling layoffs "downsizing",
or
new taxes "revenue enhancement",
or
a stock crash a "market correction".
18 ANDY
Let's
listen to one lawmaker try to explain this to a teacher whose
paycheck is short.
See
if you can find all the words he's using to avoid saying the "C"
word: "cut".
18 PEGGY TED
(music theme intro)
PEGGY: Mister Sandman,
TED: Yes
PEGGY: Did you cut my pay?
TED : Let's just say "sand-ed",
it sounds nice-r that way.
18 PEGGY TED
TED : Or if you like
say "whittled" or
"pruned" it
"Gave it a shave and hair-cut"
then "fine-tuned" it.
PEGGY: But
18 PEGGY TED
TED : Not to worry,
we only "peeled" it and
"skinned" it.
"Diluted" it
and then we "thinned" it.
It's not cut,
it's only "nicked"
18 PEGGY TED
PEGGY: Why am I feeling that
I've been tricked?
(theme repeats)
TED : 'Stead of thinking
that you've been had
Just change the wording,
and you'll feel less bad
18 PEGGY TED
PEGGY: But what you have done
is not very nice, sir.
TED : We only ran it through the
"slice-and-dicer".
You'll feel better, why don't you try it?
18 PEGGY TED
TED : Think of your pay as
"on a low-fat diet".
You won't feel demoralized
If we say your pay has just been
"Snipped" a little bit in,
We can say it's on-ly been
"circumcised".
19 TED
One
of the biggest stories in the national news in late summer/early fall last year
was the FBI raid on the President's home in Florida. So of course we wanted to
write a comic song about that.
We
really did.
But
turns out it's hard to find words that rhyme with "Mar-A-Lago".
19 TED
So
we finally gave that up and decided instead to tell you a little story
the
true story of the incident that first got law enforcement interested in what
might be going on at Mar-A-Lago.
19 TED
After
Trump left office, the staff at the National Archives noticed that some papers
that should have been given to them had not shown up.
Rumors
began to circulate about the missing papers and where they might be.
19 TED
So
a group of reporters from the national press corps chartered a bus and headed
for Mar-A-Lago
to
look into the possibility that some of those missing documents might be there
at the Trump residence.
Tragically,
only a few miles from the resort, the bus veered off the road and overturned.
19 TED
First
responders rushed to the scene, where they found the bus mysteriously
completely empty.
Then
they spotted Donald and Eric Trump already at the scene holding shovels,
and
Don Junior sitting on a bulldozer.
19 TED
A
paramedic asked Trump "What happened to all the passengers?"
Trump
replied "They were all dead, so we buried them."
19 TED
Astonished,
and a little skeptical, the paramedic asked "Do you mean every single one
died?"
And
Trump replied
"Well,
some of them said they weren't dead, but . . .
(pause for first laugh)
but
you know how the press lies!"
19 PEGGY
And
while we're on the subject: (Ted with hat & Cathy with menu come forward
as if at a table)
Donald
Trump and Melania were having breakfast at Mar-a-Lago a couple of weeks ago.
The waitress came up to the table and . . .
(back
away, then walk up to table with order pad and pencil in hand)
19 PEGGY TED CATHY
PEGGY
(as
waitress to Melania)
"What can I get for you today?"
CATHY
(as
Melania, looking at menu ) (Natasha (Bullwinkle) accent, each word separately)
"Yoost frrroot, plizz."
19 PEGGY TED CATHY
PEGGY
(scribble
in book, then turn to Trump)
"And what can I do for you?"
TED
"How about a quickie this
morning?"
PEGGY
(to
Trump, angrily)
"Mr. Trump! And right in front of your
wife, too!" (storms off)
19 TED CATHY
CATHY
(to
Trump, patiently)
"Dahlink, eez no
'kwee-kee'."
(open
menu to show to Trump positioned so audience can see it)
"Eez pronounce 'quiche'."
20 Sarah
Back
in March, former Otero County Commissioner Couy ("Coy") Griffin
was
in the national news when he was convicted of
trespassing
on January 6th.
20 Sarah
Now
you may remember Mr. Griffin's name,
but
you may not know his back story, so let me fill you in.
As
a younger man, he appeared in a rodeo show
20 Sarah
in
that famous center of cowboy culture: (pause)
Euro-Disneyland
in Paris, France
WHOLE
CAST: Ooh-la-la!
20 Sarah
And
he apparently still considers himself a cowboy at heart,
because
he founded a group that he called "Cowboys for Trump"
20 Sarah
Who
went up to Washington D.C.
with
their horses
and
rode around waving a flag.
20 Sarah
Well
of course that was very colorful
so
his picture made it into newspaper and TV stories everywhere.
20 Sarah
He
participated in the events of January 6, also,
And
arranged to have himself videoed
20 Sarah
Unfortunately
for Coy, those videos were used in evidence when he was later convicted of
trespassing.
After
that, he was faced with a suit to remove him from office
In
which he acted as his own defense attorney.
That
was probably not wise, because he lost.
20 HARRY
A man named Coy Grif-fin
was a cow-boy wan-na--be
I guess he missed his wrang-ling days
out there in gay Par-ee
(offstage: Oui!
Oui!)
20 HARRY
So he named him-self "Cow-boys for
Trump"
and he tried his best to stop
Joe Bi-den's tak-ing of-fice
by pro-vi-ding a . . . pho-to op
Yip-pee Yi Yay Yip-pee Yi Yee
The Trump Rid-er in D. C.
20 HARRY
Since that lit-tle in-ci-dent
on Ja-nu-a-ry Six
Our boy's life is not go-ing well,
he's ta-ken se-v'ral licks
20 HARRY
and now he's been con-vic-ted
(though he won't do a-ny time)
He should not have post-ed self-ies,
while com-mit-ting a crime
Yip-pee Yi Yay Yip-pee Yi Yee
The Trump Rid-er in D. C.
(Take it, Ken!)
20 HARRY
(That was Maestro Ken West!)
When threa-tened with re-mo-val
from the of-fice that he loved
He real-ly did-n't take it
near-ly se-rious-ly e-nough
20 HARRY
He was his own at-tor-ney
Cause his ego was so giant.
He had a fool for a law-yer
And a big-ger fool for a client.
Yip-pee Yi Yay Yip-pee Yi Yee
The Trump Rid-er in D. C.
20 HARRY
That was the wonderful Ken West, everyone!
(lead applause)
21 Sarah
Do
you remember the "deep freeze" in our neighbor, Texas, early in
2021?
The
electric grid failed, and many residents were left without heat or other
electric power for days.
Pipes
burst, food couldn't be cooked, and about 250 people actually died.
21 Sarah
Well,
Texas Senator Ted Cruz quickly sprang into action and reacted to the crisis
affecting his constituents . . .
by
flying with his family to Cancun to escape it.
21 Sarah
He
was widely shamed and ridiculed --- not just in Texas but across the country --
21 Sarah
Until
finally his concern for his public image forced him to return.
But
we think that our neighbors in Texas may not have handled this whole thing in
the best way.
21 Sarah
So
we wrote a little song of advice to Texans, to the tune of a Beach Boys' hit
We
thought Andy could play the ukulele and sing while Cathy did a little hula
in
the background.
21 Sarah
But
then it turned out that Cathy plays the uke and she wanted a chance to
do the music
So
we made a little change to accommodate her.
21 Sarah
And
now here she is to tell you how we think Texans should have handled the Ted
Cruz situation.
(Cathy
comes out with uke, followed by Andy in a coconut bra, plodding sullenly.
He can cheer up as
he goes on.)
21 CATHY
(one intro line from marimba)
There's a man we know
And here's his motto
When the goin' gets tough
That is the time to go
Way down to Mexico.
(one line from marimba)
21 CATHY
Cancun's where he's goin'
While back home it's snowin'
His state's in disorder
So he's runnin' for the border
And where he has chosen
Only Daiquiris are frozen
21 CATHY
But while he's away
we'll get the last laugh
After all
cause that's when we'll build
that lovely border wall.
(one line from marimba)
21 CATHY
And now that we know him
The next time it starts snowin'
We'll be the winner
Cause we won't let him re-enter
To him, our advice is
If there's another crisis
21 CATHY
"Don't pack light
And take more than just a carry-on,
Cause the next time you slip away,
You better plan to stay."
22 Sarah
Love
the outfit, Andy!
It's
good to see signs that the economy in Valencia County is doing well.
One
of those signs is the new Starbucks on Main Street in Los Lunas, down by
Smith's.
And
another new Starbucks is going up in Belen!
22 Sarah
Personally,
though, I don't patronize Starbucks much.
I
prefer to just create my own Starbucks -- both the coffee and the atmosphere --
at home.
Here's
how I do that.
22 Sarah
First
of course, I make myself coffee.
But
then, to really capture the full experience of a visit to Starbucks,
I
shout out my own name (mispronounced of course) for pickup.
(pause)
And
then I burn a $10 bill.
23 PEGGY
Two
of the most depraved criminals in the state are finally now in prison.
I'm
not talking about some mass murderers -- I'm talking about Susan and William
Harris from Albuquerque.
23 PEGGY
They
had a business which managed the finances of elderly people.
And
they stole over 11 million dollars from thousands of their unsuspecting
clients,
leaving
many destitute.
23 PEGGY
After
they were found guilty,
they
tried to make a run for it.
But
it didn't work.
23 PEGGY
Like
many criminals, they weren't very smart in looking for a place to hide,
so
not only did they not run far,
but
they made the mistake of taking their dog with them.
23 PEGGY
Cops
had gotten a tip on where to find the Harrises,
and
when they spotted the little canine stool pigeon out on the lawn doing her
business
They
swooped in and captured the fugitives.
23 PEGY
Of
course the Harrises have now been sentenced to even more time in federal
prison.
Including
the extra time for the attempted escape, Susan has been sentenced to 47 years.
And
she's 74.
So
both she, and her husband, will die in prison.
23 PEGGY
All
because they made a bad decision
when
instead of running off to a foreign country with no extradition treaty,
they
chose to run to
.
Well,
I'll let Bill tell you himself.
Bill,
come on out here, boy!
Now
tell them what you did.
23 TED
We ran to Ok-la-ho-ma
just to spend the mon-ey that we took
We thought we'd live there
with-out a care
Cause the cops would ne-ver think to look
23 TED
in Shaw-nee Ok-la-ho-ma
Ev'-ry night we'd sit out on the lawn
We were lay-ing low
And sav-ing dough
Cause there's not much there to spend it
on!
I know that a crook's what I am.
But those old folks were ea-sy to scam.
23 TED
And we thought we
Were safe there in Shaw-nee
Cause we would ne-ver
o-pen the door in the day-time ex-cept
To let Man-dy out to pee.
(Gordie: Arf! Arf!)
Bad dog, Mandy! How could you do that to
Mommy and Daddy?
(Gordie: Whine!)
23.5 ANDY PEGGY SARAH
ANDY:
Inflation
is huge news these days, so I thought we should at least mention it in a
current events show.
But
honestly, inflation hasn't been all bad for me.
23.5 ANDY PEGGY SARAH
ANDY:
I've
found that women are attracted to men who have money to spend and power.
And
that works out for me,
because
I just paid my electric bill.
23.5 ANDY PEGGY SARAH
PEGGY:
Well,
inflation has been a little bit of a problem for me.
I
love those "all-you-can-eat" salad bars,
but
they've gotten so expensive lately,
And
that makes me want all the more to "get my money's worth".
23.5 ANDY PEGGY SARAH
PEGGY:
So,
last week, I went up to 'Souper Salad' in Albuquerque and really over-indulged
in cucumbers and kale.
But
it's going to be OK,
'Cause
this weekend I'm doing a Snickers cleanse.
23.5 ANDY PEGGY SARAH
SARAH:
My
situation is a little more serious.
I'm
24 now, and health insurance is so expensive that I'm still on my mother's
policy.
But
that will only last a couple more years, until I turn 26.
Then
I'll have to find a new mother.
23.5 ANDY PEGGY SARAH
PEGGY:
The
rumor I heard was that inflation has gotten so bad that
Exxon
had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
23.5 ANDY PEGGY SARAH
ANDY:
But
here's the thing.
Despite
the crazy cost of living
It
remains popular!
24 CATHY
Thank
God the pandemic is over.
But
a few good things did come out of it, and looks like some of those are going to
stay with us.
24 CATHY
For
example, I was able to find a job that allowed me to work from home.
And
though I loved it, it did have a . . . little downside . . .
that
I'm going to tell you about.
24 CATHY
Tumble
outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour
myself a cuppa ambition
And
yawn and stretch and try to come alive
Jump
in the shower and the blood starts pumping
24 CATHY
Out
on the street the traffic is jumping
With
those other poor slobs who've got to make that drive
24 CATHY
Not
me!
'Cause
I'm workin'
Virtual
from home
What
a gift for gals like me!
Don't
have to brush or comb
And
I can binge watch on TV
24 CATHY
All
alone in my room
It's
phenomenal
When
your meeting's on Zoom
Pants
are optional!
24 CATHY
Work
from home
What
a way to make a livin'
'Stead
of runnin' round
I'm
just sittin' in my kitchen
24 CATHY
Guess
the downside is
That
with all the extra snackin'
Sev'ral
extra pounds
I'm
already packin'.
24 CATHY
Work
from home,
No
I never can go back now.
I'll
just work from home
Guess
I'll have another snack now.
24 CATHY
I'll
just work from home,
If
they force me to my station
Then
I'll join the
Great
Resignation!
Mm
mmm mm!
Wonder
if there's any of that mint chocolate chip left?
25 Sarah
Some
of you probably remember seeing Bernie Sanders at the Biden inauguration.
It
was very cold and he was dressed like this,
And
he made giant mittens a brief national fad.
25 Sarah
Of
course he was already famous as the best-known Socialist in America.
In
late February, he released a book called "It's OK to be Angry about
Capitalism".
And
then he went on a national speaking tour to tout his book sales.
25 Sarah
Tickets
to hear him denounce capitalistic greed were . . . $95 apiece. (pause to let
sink in)
So
how it Bernie handling the apparent contradiction here?
25 TED
This old man
has a reputation
The
best known socialist in the nation
You'd think he'd
scorn running after wealth
But
he's cool with it . . .
When
he's doing it himself
25 TED ANDY
Chasing money is
the way
To damnation
-- Socialists say.
It's
a problem Bernie has a way to get around
Andy: "It's OK
when I do it . . .
'Cause
my principles are sound."
25 TED ANDY
What do you mean?
Wealth deserves blame
Your new book makes
that claim
You
charge so much to listen to you tout it
Andy: "Well
, it's
O.K. to get rich . . . Long as you feel bad about it"
25.5 SARAH
For
a while there, it looked like the governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis, was going
to be a strong competitor to Donald Trump for the Republican nomination.
25.5 SARAH
But
that was before DeSantis made several errors and disillusioned some of his
followers.
The
biggest error may have been to start a fight with the Walt Disney corporation
in Florida.
25.5 SARAH
The
Disney empire is not only big enough and rich enough to fight back, but
They
also have some advantages for winning public support.
For
example, they changed the song at one of the most popular rides at Disney.
So
thousands of people a day now hear Disney's side of the issue.
25.5 SARAH
And
now, to sing that song for you,
here's
the man himself -- I mean, the mouse himself!
25.5 BRENT
It's
a small world on TV
And
people like you less than me
So
don't attack me need-less-ly
You
can't fight Disney.
25.5 BRENT
Disney
World is the "Happiest Place on Earth"
And
I am the mouse who gave it birth
Im
small but I punch in the heavyweight class
And
I'll kick your . . . tail!
26 HARRY
The
best news in April of this year was that Willie Nelson turned 90 years old! (lead
applause)
He
celebrated his birthday by giving a concert at the Hollywood Bowl in Los
Angeles.
26 HARRY
And
now that recreational marijuana has finally been legalized in New Mexico,
maybe
Willie Nelson will hold a concert here, too!
26 HARRY
And
that's great, because a lot of people here have been worried that we'll never
have another chance to see a live concert by Willie Nelson in New Mexico,
since
Willie has had to cut back on touring in the last several years on doctor's
orders.
26 HARRY
Seems
his doctor is worried that Willie,
who
is of course a famous user and promoter of marijuana,
Can't
handle it anymore.
26 HARRY
So
Willie's doctor advised him to either cut out his pot habit or stop
touring.
And
it seems Willie's insurance company won't cover the tour unless his doctor
gives the O.K.
26 HARRY
But
not to worry, Willie has a plan to do what he needs to do to get "On the
Road Again".
Let's
bring him out now to tell us about it.
(Lead
applause as Cathy walks out in do-wig.)
26 CATHY
On the road a-gain.
I just can't wait to get on the road
a-gain.
Got-ta think how to con-vince the Doc-tor
that I am
Read-y to get on the road a-gain.
26 CATHY
(alternate melody -- higher start)
On the road a-gain.
Doc says I can't be high
when I'm go-in' down that high-way
With all my friends
I just got-ta find my-self
a brand new by way
So this is my way
26 CATHY
To get on the road a-gain.
Won't smoke no more pot
re-cre-a-tion-al-ly
From now on it's strict-ly (pause)
med-i-cal pot for me
And that's my plan to get on the road
a-gain.
That's my plan to get on the road a-gain.
27 SARAH
We're
almost finished with the show now,
but
first, as members of the New Mexico entertainment community,
we
feel that we should address one of the major events that occurred in our
community last year.
27 SARAH
We
were all shaken when we heard of the tragic shooting
on
the set of the movie Rust outside Santa Fe.
27 SARAH
In
the end, the prosecutor in Santa Fe decided not to pursue the case against Alec
Baldwin,
which
we support, because we have always stood behind
Our
fellow actor.
27 SARAH
.
. . .
It's
much safer than standing in front of him.
28 HARRY
Well,
we've had some laughs tonight poking fun at New Mexico,
but
hey, we all love this state. It's the Land of Enchantment, right?
28 ANDY
Yeah,
as in "Eeoow! Watch out, there's some Enchantment over there. Don't step
in it!"
28 HARRY
C'mon,
you know you love it here.
This
is our state -- yours and mine.
And
we can work together to fix its problems.
And
that's what this next song is about.
28 HARRY
We're
going to sing to the tune of "This Land Is Your Land", and I'll bet
you already know it.
We'll
get you started, and then we'd like everyone to join in!
The
words to our version of the song are printed on the back of your program. (pause)
28 ALL
This
state is your state
This state is my state
From Colorado
Down to the border
From Arizona
Way out to Texas
This state was made for you and me
28 HARRY
Everybody!
28 ALL + AUDIENCE
This
state is your state
This state is my state
From Colorado
Down to the border
From Arizona
Way out to Texas
This state was made for you and me
This
state was made for you and me
29 SARAH
And
that's the last song for our show tonight
so
now I'd like all the performers to introduce yourselves.
Please
hold your applause until everyone has introduced themselves.
29 ALL
(all
line up, bow, and right-to-left, introduce themselves)
(After
last self-introduction, join hands for a joint bow to applause that
Sarah/musicians start)
(Actors
stay on stage to applaud crew and audience)
29 Sarah
Our
technical director is Marie Benoit (lead applause)
Our
musicians are Nancy Strickland on keyboard (lead applause)
Ken
West on guitar and banjo (lead applause)
29 Sarah
Charlie
Wilson on guitar (lead applause)
Michael
Aranda on percussion (lead applause)
Mike
Murphy on drums (lead applause)
29 Sarah
Gordon
Strickland on banjo and who along with Brent are our sound techs (lead
applause)
And
I'm Sarah Raup (pause to accept applause)
29 Sarah
We'd
like to thank Suzette Lindemuth and her husband John Lott, the owners of the
Center for Ageless Living, for hosting us in this beautiful setting.
(point
to her and lead applause)
29 Sarah
And
many thanks to Chef Josh and the staff of the Green House Bistro for catering
our delicious dinner. (point to him/bistro location and lead applause)
And
to Denise Vivie-yay who coordinated our appearance here.
29 Sarah
Finally,
thank you all so much for coming. (lead cast applause with
arms extended to audience, & do the political point)
29 Sarah
In
case you'd like to speak to any members of the cast or crew they're now going
right down here in front of the stage to say goodbye and thank you again for
coming to Roundhouse Rock.
(Cast
moves down to sidewalk in front of stage -- thank individuals for coming)
Good
night!
Drive
safely!